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A Solution for the Cubs Offense

The Cubs offense is lousy. Awful. Terrible. Deplorable. Poo-poo stinky.

Call it what you want, but these guys aren’t hitting. No matter the combo Lou puts into the game, runs aren’t crossing the plate. When Xavier Nady is your best offensive player at any stretch, and people are clamoring to get Chad Tracy back up with the big boy club…well, things are not exactly going as planned.

But I have a solution — a tried and true method that has worked for baseball players in the past. Disgraced, down on their hitting former stars have rediscovered their power stroke, and those formerly unemployed have found work once more.

Beer league softball.

Come on, Cubs! My softball team, the Banzai Legends, could use a practice game…and you guys need to learn how to hit again. It worked for Eric Byrnes! It can work for you, too!

Lou? Hendry? Give me a call. I’ll set up a time for a practice field. It can be on your off day! Or, if you’re going to bench all of your stars on a regular basis, I guess it could be any day. I even promise to pitch meatballs. Let’s make this happen! I’m tired of watching 1-and 2-run outbursts against pitchers with ERAs higher than Starlin Castro’s age. It’ll fix you guys! And if it doesn’t, well…I’d be willing to strike out 50 times in 50 games, strand runners, and fundamentally hit poorly for WELL less than you’re paying the guys up there on the team now. And my facial hair is better than Fontenot’s.

I’m just here to help, guys. We’ve all learned so far this year that you need somebody with some kind of fresh idea to fix things.


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